hm. i have become so lax about punctuation and caps

aw, phi, sorry things are tough. i get nostalgic about high school too. i feel like i've been too passive for a lot of my life, especially in high school. did you all know what a fraidy cat i was then? and continued to be for a good deal of time after? i don't even know if i am now. i think i'm better than i was. i'm much more open to trying new things now, much more open to different people. but damn, i remember how much fear i went through in high school. hi, i'm psycho.

yeah, there were probably so many great people and friendships and fun that i passed on because i was really the most insecure little twit you'd ever meet. inside, i mean. do you know every class i took then i let the school or my parents or what i thought the right thing was for me dictate? i feel like i've never made decisions on my own. now, that of course is not entirely true.. but it is partly. my indecision and fear of commitment has been my decisions

i don't know if i'm still insecure now. but i'm defiinitely trying to be more active about things.

so yes, folks, well, not like it's news now, but i'm moving out.

i mean, really this time.

i have a place, i have the key, i have a cool roomie.

i'm going to paint my room this pretty shade of pink. with a lighter pink closet. and even lighter pink trim.

why do i like pink? just do. pretty

the carpet in my room needs to be cleaned. then i'd like to find a cool green and pink rug to plop over it. also need to buy a futon.

i think i'll like it there. i like my roomie.

his name is stu. he's a chef and a musician. i love creative type peeps.

he's also deep. his dad died last year and he's still hurt about it. he was close to him.

i have so much work to do, i really just want to let my brain relax for a minute though.

so much to do, so little time.. but i'm so excited about it!

there's been so much on my mind lately too

my life is too messy and busy right now

but at least i have some things to look forward to now

i want to make my life my own

it has not felt that way for so long

isn't that strange?

that you can be twenty frickin' six and feel like you're not directing your life?

that's why i want to move out, that's really why

so i can create, build, construct my life the way i figure out i want it to be

i'm sounding like such a rambling mess.. but ever since i got the room things have been so much clearer in my head

i think they'll clear up more, get more distinct as i make more decisions of my own

so i really can't wait to get settled there, to be able to arrange my time how i want it

i know it will work out

to move out, against my parent's "better" judgement, is the best thing i can do for myself right now

god there is SO much i want to do

i want to write

i want to do some acting in a piece - play or movie - that i absolutely love and am passionate about, i mean really something chunky and interesting, fun, totally involving that i totally love and HAVE to do... need to find something that good, that speaks to my most idealistic self

i want to be in love

i want to make more friends and have people over at my new place (i'm sure stu would be cool with that)

i want to be free and easy and open and happy again

i wish some things would just settle and pass in me and other things would start up. i'm so impatient now!

i am missing every one of my friends

i feel like that scene in vacation when chevy chase is so excited about being in europe or on the eiffel tower or something and he waxes poetic on and on, i feel this, i feel that, i'm about to burst feeling -- in the end it's just - i gotta pee.

lordy that's me!